Two years ago, after devoting the last 30 years of my life to being the most supportive wife and the best mother to three amazing boys I could be, I sat in the demolition of all that I knew to be real and wondered how I would pick up the pieces of this life of mine and ever find meaning again. Despite feeling God beside me, the loudness of the unknown prevented me from hearing or seeing His message. I spent the first year working through some of those messages from God. He carefully placed things in front of me and in my heart, gradually lifting the fog. Despite that, his purpose for my life was to provide the strength I needed to keep moving forward. As I began writing more consistently, you, my precious readers, kept me going—the ones whose lives were touched somehow by my stories. At the beginning of this year, 2024, the second year, as I continued to listen to His words, all while beginning to discover who this new me was, I felt so optimistic about what the year would hold for me.
Who among them has stood in the council of the Lord to see and hear his word, or who has paid attention to his word and listened? Jeremiah 23: 18
As the year began, I would be in the throes of selling our family home and packing up a lifetime of memories to move into my first home alone. It was one of those things that either take you to your knees, or you rise to the moment in grace, and I’m happy to report that I feel like I did both throughout those months. It was when you knew in your brain that it was necessary because of where you were, but it was so painful in your heart. I say this all the time, but you have to “walk through” to get to the other side, and this was some of my “through” that I had to walk. But in that process, some of the most amazing things can happen. You, hopefully, get to take a hard, long look at your life and yourself and discover what God has seen in you the whole time that you may have failed to see in yourself. You, hopefully, walk out of it with the confidence to keep moving forward and become what God has always intended for you to be. I can’t say with this one trial this year that it was all clear, but it indeed continued moving me in the direction I needed to be going. God was there by my side, carrying me when I needed Him. He was preparing me.
But now the Lord my God has given me rest on every side. There is neither adversary nor misfortune. 1 Kings 5: 4
The Spring and summer would have me discovering who I was and placing the most amazing people in my path that, unbeknownst to me, would all play a role in what was about to happen. He would also remove some that did not deserve to be by my side. Along with beginning to write my book, I would do something for myself that I had prayed about and truthfully wrestled with for some time because it was definitely what I call a need of my flesh, not something necessary. Although I still had concerns about the uncertainty of my life, I was feeling good about what the year would hold and knew that whatever it had in store was what God intended for me. I would soon discover that God was still rearranging the pieces of my life. But is he ever finished? I mean, isn’t that the whole point? God will use our trials for His greater good and to draw closer to those He desires. Knowing in my heart that my pain serves a purpose bigger than me is some of the most comforting news I could ever receive.
This was according to the eternal purpose that he has realized in Christ Jesus our Lord, Ephesians 3: 11
As fall approached, I received a call reporting that no one had seen my dad in his usual places for a few days. I had been evacuating from a hurricane and would continue to my dad’s, where I would find him in the Intensive Care Unit. It would be there that I would have to hand him back over to our Lord and Savior. I was not ready; I needed him. He was my Daddy. I had lost so much in the past two years, both in people, dreams, and plans. I had many questions for God. Why and how was I going to get through this? Haven’t I been through enough? Now that I’m alone and have all this time to spend with him, you take him away now? God would carry me. I was exhausted, on my knees, and unable to get up, but I would undoubtedly feel the Holy Spirit inside me, giving me the strength to carry on. He would not fail me now.
My phone would ring, and on the other end was a familiar voice: my boy’s father and my former husband, who was a significant part of my father’s life over the past twenty-four years. After a few moments on the phone, we agreed we knew what he wanted and committed to making that happen for our family. Although we had not seen each other for 2 years, we would come together at the beach in one big house with all our immediate family for Thanksgiving week to celebrate his life and leave a bit of him on his favorite golf course. It was a beautiful week for many reasons. Still, besides celebrating my dad’s precious life, my children got to be reminded of how beautiful our family once was and how moving forward, it can continue to be, just differently. Was that all part of God’s plan?
O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, an by night, but i find no rest. Psalm 22:2
The challenge of allowing someone back into your life in any way that has caused you so much pain is not normal or easy, especially on the heels of all the pain of losing my father. Despite what some people think, I’m not this strong, invincible woman. I’m simply a woman who loves her family and knows that her role as a mother, which was gifted to her by God, is to show her children what love and grace look like. People often question my offering of grace, particularly to those who don’t appear to deserve such grace. I say, what’s one more time? If it brings peace and comfort to my children, I’ll pay that price a hundred times again. I prayed to God to get me to this place. Ultimately, God’s grace will matter, and if I can show that in any way, shape, or form, I will do my very best to do so. I know God has answered every one of my prayers, maybe not in the most ideal ways or even how I prayed for them to be answered. Perhaps the answers were more painful than I imagined, or the answers were meticulously and beautifully handed to me. Either way, I know it’s His desire for my life and for the lives of those I love the most. I am here for Him. So, my message is that you may have to look long and hard at your life, and you may not always see your prayers being immediately answered or even feel like they were, but keep praying and keep having faith. Jesus Christ loves you and sacrificed his life for you.
Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. Philemon 1:3
As I bring this year to a close, I will leave you with the message that my father left with his family and almost anyone he met. He understood that life was busy and time was precious for each of you, and with that understanding, he took all the phone calls, text messages, and visits with such gratitude. You made him proud. You made him feel special. He would want you to carry on his legacy more than anything. That legacy was a big one. He let no one feel like they weren’t important to him or this world. He never met a stranger; if he did, he didn’t leave them that way. He knew and even wrote in his book that people will forget what you say, but never forget how you make them feel. And he made people feel special, no matter who they were. I pray that each of you will continue with that remarkable trait of his for the rest of your lives. May you bless each person you meet with the same undeniable special feeling that Gavin shared with so many while he was here. Let’s fill our memories of Gavin with joy and thanksgiving, celebrating the enduring impact of his life and the love he shared with so many in and outside of our family.
In Jesus name, we pray, amen.
As always, if you are ever in need or struggling to make sense of your life, please know there is always a seat at my table. There, you will find an espresso martini, a few tears, maybe some sarcasm, and lots of Jesus. Together, with faith and prayer, we can figure it all out. Please reach out if the need arises. Until then, I look forward to seeing you next month.
Much Love and Blessings,
Kim