Infidelity, the Elephant, and God

I have always said that anyone can cheat. Yes, it’s true. No matter how great you think your life or relationship is, infidelity can happen to anyone given the right circumstances, time, situation or person. No one’s relationship is above it. But when it happens and happens repeatedly, how do you ever learn to trust with your heart again? If you’re going to live your life, you must find a way. When I trusted again, I refused to be a detective. I knew in my heart that I would always find out the truth and to go looking for it every single day would just rob me of my life, and more importantly, rob my children of their time with me. So I refused to do so. You have to trust until someone gives you a reason not to and despite that, you may choose to trust and trust again for reasons that only you can understand. In the end, you may have a broken heart and many unanswered questions, but you can rest in knowing that God has a plan for your life, which often includes painful lessons. These lessons get you to move to where you need to be. In the end, and only in the end, will we understand the purpose of those lessons and why He chose that path for us. I will say that I think in most circumstances, we take the detours of our own free will, and then God has to get us back on track, and it’s those moments when life gets painful and interesting but ultimately becomes beautiful if we stay the course and have faith in what He is doing in our lives.

What if some were unfaithful? Does their faithlessness nullify the faithfulness of God? Romans 3:3

Infidelity and betrayal are traumatic in their own right, but they are also the toughest critics that then take up residence in your thoughts for years to come. Among all the hidden affairs and dishonesty, the elephant in the room becomes your self-esteem, which constantly reminds you that you don’t deserve the truth. Not because you are not smart enough to recognize that what someone does has nothing to do with you, but because I don’t care how strong, confident, successful, or beautiful you are, you will forever question your worth in a way that no one should have to question. You may even have a built-up resentment towards yourself for not listening to your gut more intentionally. You will wrestle with and hopefully become self-aware enough to heal in ways, but in other ways, it is always there, lingering and reminding you that you were not enough for someone to do better, to be better. No matter how much you did or didn’t do, you didn’t matter enough. These are the dirty truths behind infidelity and deceit. They are the little voices in your head that you must quiet to move forward. This chaos of your thoughts is not truly what God wishes for you. In fact, any chaos in your life is never from God. It is, however, a result of our fallen world and even more of a reason for us to seek His word in our everyday lives, if for nothing else than to quiet those thoughts and find our peace.

This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. James 3:15.

Sometimes, obedience to God feels impossibly hard. Still, it fulfills a greater purpose than we can see now—even when it includes extending ourselves back into the dating world. It’s hard, and for a while, it may even hurt. But, as time passes, embracing being single can lend itself to a moment of empowerment, knowing you’re okay. You’re comfortable now, and although it is hard to be attracted, connected, and dependent on someone again because you don’t want to go back to that dark place where you lived for so many years, you also don’t want to waste your time on someone who is undeserving nor do you want to be with another toxic individual who causes you to lose yourself all over again. Still, if you can find that person willing to put in the attention, effort, time, and patience with pure intentions, you know in your heart that you have the purest form of love just waiting to be given. 

For this is why I wrote, that I might test you and know whether you are obedient in everything. 2 Corinthians 2:9

I have learned from my life that there are specific things I want as I move forward; maybe some of them will resonate with you as well. First, you will convince no one to love you. But you want someone there for you within minutes, not days. To find someone who can communicate clearly and never make you wonder where you stand is what you want. Rather than being a chapter in their book, you want to be a part of someone’s life. What you desire is someone who is decisive and knows what they want from you. In all areas of your life, including spiritually, personally, and professionally, you desire someone who respects, celebrates, and encourages you. Your preference is for someone who does not harbor envy towards you. Being a priority is your hope. Every day of your life, you want someone who pursues you. You want someone who asks you to go to church with them. You want someone who will never let you go to sleep wondering if you still matter. If it’s a man, you want to watch how he treats his mother because you can learn a lot about how someone treats the person who brought them into this world. Remember, looks fade, and you’re left with what’s inside of someone, so that’s what is important. Find someone who protects and stands up for you even when you are not around. If someone values you, they would never risk losing you. Someone who wakes up every day looking for new ways to love you. Someone who understands it’s not about giving you the world but making you feel you are the only one in it. Your time is precious, so don’t waste it on someone who doesn’t realize you are as well. 

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh 5:31

As I begin this journey into the dating world, I have to say that there are so many things about this process that are daunting, but there is also so much about the thought of it all that is exciting. I’m not just a girl post-divorce who will begin to date and have to open her heart up again. I’m a girl who experienced repeated betrayals, and with each betrayal, my heart gradually became chipped away, leaving me with something so fragile that one wonders if it can withstand the dating world. Then, along with that instability of the heart, is the insecurity of who you believe you are and who you feel you are now. It’s a daily conversation; some days, you tap out of your reality and say I’ll deal with that when I have to—putting off the dating so that you don’t have to process all that goes along with that decision. But with God and His word and guidance, I am certain He has a plan for my life, even my dating life. I’m excited to see what that plan is as it unfolds, and I’m confident, after years of me trying to do things my way, that it will be the best laid-out plan ever. I will trust His plan as if it were my own, for I have learned that He knows better than I, what needs to happen in my life. 

I cry out to God Most High, God who fulfills his purpose for me. Psalm 57:2

To those who have been betrayed, always remember that your value is not determined by the actions of others. The betrayer carries a deep hole within them. Their efforts to fill this empty space with people, objects, and deceit seem never-ending. Your defining moment will be determined by the way you choose to move forward. Realizing that God’s will for your life hinges on trust and openness, all that’s required is a willingness to embrace Him. As I find the courage to date again, one thing I know is that I will do so intentionally and with trust and openness because I know deep down inside that God has brought me this far and He will see me through to the end. I pray you will do the same. As always, if you are ever in need or struggling to make sense of your life, or even if you know someone who is worthy of dating me (laughing), please know that there is always a seat at my dining room table, where you will find an espresso martini, a few tears, maybe some sarcasm and lots of Jesus. Together with faith and prayer, we can figure it all out. Please reach out if the need arises. Until then, see you next month.

Much Love and Blessings,

Kim