Clarity Through the Clouds

Clarity Through the Clouds

I’m still on my healing journey, and boy, was this month one for the book. I say book because, throughout my life and spiritual journey, so many of you have said, “You should write a book,” so that is just what I’m going to do. I have so much to share, so many lessons, and so much of my hard-earned wisdom from my mistakes that I hope will spare those of you yet to journey down that path yourself, or if you’ve had the same errors, you can look at them in a more healthy and self-forgiving way than I could do.

In both of my marriages, I was a victim of emotional abuse and betrayal in ways even the strongest of the strong and most faithful of the faithful would have difficulty navigating. Betrayal from the one you gave your whole self to, the one you were to trust and share your life with and those you thought were your friends. This month was a reminder of the betrayal that people are capable of. 

What’s so hard about all of it is that when you are in the midst of the discovery phase, you must face and unfold the role you played in your pain. That has to be and is the most painful part of it all. Each dirty secret takes you back to where you remember your intuition screaming at you to look, but you flippantly put your hand up to it as if to say,” I don’t want to know. Now go away and let me live in this peaceful place.”; there are many valid reasons for ignoring the warning signs and some of the most precious reasons, like your children. Some people will say, “If it were me, I wouldn’t put up with anything like that. I’d walk away.” I used to smile at those people and think to myself; you have no clue what you are even talking about because you, my friend, have faced nothing close to that life-changing decision. But you are not in, nor have you ever been in a relationship being held together by a trauma bond.

For me the trauma started in my first marriage, and although I did all the work to overcome that part of my life and took the time to get my mind right and my heart strong, somehow, I found myself in a situation with, yet, another person who would take that trauma to a whole new level and in the end would reveal just how broken I was deep inside. I say broken with all the self-love I can give myself because, for me, broken is okay. We can put the pieces back together and become stronger; brokenness always leads us closer to God. 

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” Psalm 51:10.

Some of you might wonder what a trauma bond is. Clinically defined, its positive reinforcement mixed with abuse which creates the trauma bond. Ironically, it can feel like love, and for me, it certainly did. It wasn’t until I was away from it I realized how mentally draining it was on me.For instance; you have thoughts like; I love you and I hate you. I need to leave you, but I can’t and I can’t leave because I feel like I physically can’t get one foot in front of the other. I felt guilty, mainly because of my children. I would have to deal with their trauma caused by what I thought would be my selfish decision, since I would certainly have to be the one to make it. The guilt was overwhelming. I knew the relationship was killing me, but I could not leave. I would stay and hope that it would get better. He would beg me to stay and promise the relationship and he would be better. I would start rationalizing why I was wrong about it, and that’s the cognitive dissonance that comes into play. Your thoughts and actions don’t align, and you can’t even see how that is slowly killing you. 

Once the separation happened in my second marriage, I felt like I was dying; no, I physically felt like I would die. I cried so much that my eyes are still not healed all these months later. I thought at one point, can you die from crying? At one point, I was doubled over in pain while screaming, crying, begging God to stop the pain that I was physically and emotionally going through.

But then, one day, the clarity seeps through the clouds, and you feel normal again; you see the sunshine peeking around. You are finding your true self again. The one you were before this person walked into your world and took everything you had to give until you were of no use to them any longer. She is still there and ready to come out and a live again. She is ready to greet you with open arms. And I do hope you will join me when it’s time. (Big announcement coming soon) 

Each month that you are away from it, the clarity is overwhelming. This month was a month of clarity that took me to my knees. I thank God every day for being right here beside me. He has brought me peace when I need it to keep going. He has offered me strength when I’ve been tempted by weakness and forgiven me when I refuse to trust Him with my future. Without Him, I’m not sure where I would be now. He has always been with me.

In my first divorce, you could find me on my knees in church crying and praying every single morning at mass. It was the one thing in my life that I had control over, and that was comforting to me and honestly kept me from taking my life. I was young and could not see what a beautiful life I might have in front of me. Thank God for keeping me grounded enough to find out. Because in between the trauma and abuse, the love and beauty that God has given my life are too much even to comprehend. I can, on most days, recall every single beautiful moment. I know that’s because He never lets those memories leave my soul as a reminder that He is on this journey, and if it weren’t for this fallen world and fallen people, my life would be full of that beauty and it will be, one day again, for eternity. 

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you.” Isaiah 41:10.

Not sure what the rest of this journey looks like for me. I’m praying that the worst is behind me, but I’m buckled in and ready for the ride, with all the ups, downs, hills, valleys, tears, and laughter. I’m here for it. I’m continuing to learn how to be comfortable in my skin. I won’t let anyone take one more second of my life from me. I will stay with God. I will keep praying. I will get in His word. I’m looking forward to life again. It’s a process, and it’s a choice that I must make each day. 

I’m always here for you, too, so reach out. We can sit at my dining room table and figure it out together. You, me, an espresso martini, and Jesus. 😇 (another fun project to launch in late 2023 😉) 

Much Blessings and Love,

Kim