Finding Forgiveness and Answered Prayers

I have always believed in being true to myself and the life I’m living. Where everything is filtered beyond recognition, including people’s lives, it’s even more important to share the realities of life so that those of us who don’t have all the pretty filters know we are not alone in our journey. My blog, or even my future book, will be my story. The life I’ve lived is what created my story. Everyone’s story is different. Even those who have played a part in mine may remember things differently. Sometimes that may be because it differed from what I remember or because they don’t want to acknowledge the role they played. Sometimes it’s plain narcissism that gives people a false sense of reality in this world, and they have an image to protect. They are terrified of their real identity because it will be out in the open and everyone will see them in their true light. Either way, I will tell my story. And you can certainly tell yours. Just know that we all have messiness, but how we respond to it matters, not the messiness itself. Enough of that; let’s get into this beautiful month of June.

I said in May; it’s a process. Grief, loss, life — we can either sit in it, or we can move through it to get to the other side. This month was a lot about what it takes to move through it. I’m working on forgiving things that are oh-so difficult to forget. It’s tough because something else gets revealed daily that rocks your world beyond what anyone could imagine. These days, I sit back and reflect on the reels that are repeatedly playing in my head for all these years. They are the things that take your breath away, mainly because as time goes on, you see what affirms those reels and makes them not just a crazy thought, as some would have you believe, but the truth of your life. Then you continue to fight your thoughts between the what ifs and reality of what was. It’s a complicated grief process that is emotionally and mentally exhausting. I am lucky because the love I feel from God and so many people in my world is palpable and does not go unnoticed. Along with God, my friends and family are carrying me through this time in my life. You may ask yourself why you would ever want to forgive those who hurt you. But there is so much forgiveness that needs to take place, and that forgiveness is essential in getting to the other side. 

Forgiveness is difficult. Over the years, I learned to forgive at my expense in order to protect those that I loved. I got really proficient at forgiving things that most people would have walked away from without a second thought. Then I became numb to the pain that was causing and would eventually cause those same people I was trying to protect. Showing compassion for someone who hurt us, or ourselves, for our bad decisions goes against our natural desire. It can even feel overwhelming, unfair, and impossible. But showing someone undeserved forgiveness and compassion, including yourself, is what mercy is…and what Jesus died for. Don’t get me wrong; I am guilty of holding on to hurt and self loathing for too long, and I continuously work on that flawed side of myself. If we don’t work on that, then the pain of our past will have a hold on us that will never allow us to open our hearts toward others. It is a continual, painful surrender that I often can’t bring myself to do, especially in my current situation. But here’s the good news: God doesn’t expect us to go through the process of forgiveness alone. He offers to help us if we trust him and honor his word. When we show mercy to someone who has hurt us, we illustrate how God’s forgiveness has impacted us. I will continue to pray and ask God to help me pass on my hurt to him so he can carry it for me and I can be free to move on with my life for what he desires. To walk this walk, setting boundaries is a must. And consistency is key with those boundaries. I’ve finally conquered the boundary-setting piece. The forgiveness piece is a long way away because I am still discovering all that I am faced with forgiving. But I’m sure I will get there in time and not only because it’s what I am called to do, but because it is what will free my soul to trust and love again.

“The righteous perish, but no one takes it to heart; the devout are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.”  Isaiah 57:1-2

What happens when it is God that we need to forgive? He failed to answer the exact prayer we sent him and we’re angry. What then? Why didn’t he answer our prayers? It’s as if we pray, expecting some magic wand to bring us what we’re praying for. Like in all relationships, when God doesn’t do what we think he should do, we mistrust him, and when you have trust issues in relationships, they become fractured. So this month, I had a realization that called me to ask, what if what’s in front of me is God’s way of answering my prayers? What if all this perceived pain that I’m going through is carrying me to where I have been praying to be? What a beautiful thought and truth to be revealed. When we pray, we expect it to come as we would have it, but he answers that prayer how we need it to be answered and, in his time, for our greater good. And God’s ways are higher than ours. His thoughts are higher than ours. Sometimes his protection comes in packages we would not call protection at all. We can hold on to the hope and faith that he freely gives us and only then, as a counselor, Jim Cress said in Lysa Terkeurst’s book, Forgiving What You Can’t Forget,

“Hope is the melody of the future. Faith is dancing to that melody right now.”

So, faced with our reality, we should dance in the belief and trust that our prayers are being answered. They are being answered and taking us down the path that will change us in ways we could have never prayed for ourselves. God knows what we need and how we need to receive it.  

1 Corinthians 13:12  Now, we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. 

So forgiveness is necessary to move through our pain and release it. Prayers are essential to our lives, and God will answer how we need them answered. We must never give up hope, always dance in our faith that our lives are working out just as he planned, and I pray for continued growth in my life and yours. 

I’m always here. If you are going through something challenging, you are not alone in your journey, and though our journeys may not be the same, we can still sit at my dining room table, share an espresso martini and a little Jesus and figure it all out together. My door is always open. 

Much Blessings

Kim 

xo