When Is It Okay To Walk Away?

I’m not walking away; I’m accepting reality. Well, isn’t that an excellent way of saying that walking away is okay? But is it okay? Is it what God calls us to do? It goes against the grain of everything I have ever believed. I was raised on the premise…

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Luke6:31.

I understood that to mean, you must give everything your all, and others will do the same. Especially in marriage, you took a vow, and it was till death do you part. God brought you together, and you became one. Let no one or nothing tear that apart. But what if the other person is not on the same page? When is it okay to walk away? It’s not just in marriage but also friendships, work and family relationships where we must learn and be okay with the fact that sometimes people have not earned access to our life, or at least the amount of access we are granting them. Is it okay to set boundaries or walk away?

Forgiveness is something in my life that I have struggled with repeatedly. You could say I was a slow learner. But especially in my marriages, yes marriages, so crazy as I type that here. I never in a million years thought I would be married more than once, much less working on my second divorce. You might assume that forgiveness was difficult, which would be a standard assumption, as it is usually the case, but I forgave too much. Forgiveness became so easy for me, I would even console the person who had hurt me. I know, logically, this sounds insane, but it’s true. I was so consumed with doing what I believed was the “right thing” I would console and try to help the person feel okay about what happened. I felt like I needed to be there for them, help them be a better version of themselves and stand by their side as they worked through their trials.

Because of my faulty belief system, I thought that to be a good Christian and follower of God’s word; I had to forgive always, work even harder, and give someone grace even more than they deserved. I had to sacrifice for others, even if that was at my expense. “What would Jesus Do?” came to mind constantly, but we live in a fallen world. I mean, I have fallen a thousand times myself in this life. What I failed to understand is that God set boundaries and walked away when it was necessary. I never knew to apply that concept to my life, especially in my marriage.

Where were my boundaries? Why did I believe that if I continued to allow bad behavior, that somehow was love? I’ve learned some hard lessons over the years with all kinds of relationships. I am still learning. We understand those lessons when we are ready to accept them; in the meantime, life is happening all around us, and it can be a roller coaster if we aren’t careful.

At a certain point in my life, I went through a transition with friendships. I was allowing certain friends to have more access to my heart than they actually had earned. As a result, during a painful time in my life, it became apparent to me that this was no longer good for me. I set boundaries, not for them necessarily, but for myself, and some of those relationships are more vital than ever and some no longer exist. Either way, it was what needed to happen.

Then there were my marriages. I set boundaries as well, but often I would refuse to follow through on those for fear of having to actually walk away. And walking away was not really an option. My faith, my refusal to be what I thought was a failure, and my children kept me going even when I knew I should walk away. I don’t regret any of that because my journey was meant to go that way. It has made me who I am today and I know that all my kids are better off with the decisions I made. But in the end, if I’m being honest, they were the most painful decisions I made for myself. It wasn’t until I walked away and held those boundaries solid, even through all the pain that walking away can create, that I finally could take a deep breath and know that it was the right thing to do for me. And that it needed to happen. It just took longer than I should have allowed because of this grey area I had in my heart.

As a nurse in the hospital, to assess someone’s pain level, we had what we referred to as the pain scale, a scale of 1-10, with ten being the most pain you could be in. I like to look at the access I give someone using that same scale, with one being unlimited access and ten being walk away status. Recently, I was reminded of this concept while reading Lysa Terkeurst’s book “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes.” I cannot recommend this book enough to all those, like me, who believe it’s unkind to set boundaries or un-Christian to walk away or if you are struggling to decipher between the two. Lysa has a beautiful way of writing and communicating this message. Along with Lysa, I have an amazing therapist, Hope at Theratique here in New Orleans, who has helped me continue to work through the grey areas of this part of my journey and I highly recommend therapy for anyone who is struggling to make sense of what is happening in their lives. You can’t do it alone. Realizing that your specific situations may differ from mine and even those written in this book, just know that you are not alone, you are never alone.

It feels good in my heart to know that it’s okay to set good boundaries and say goodbye. There were always the obvious, unquestionable times that a boundary or a goodbye was appropriate. But there was also all this grey area for me. I finally feel it is no longer grey. I know I will do this better in the coming years, not perfectly because none of us are, but definitely with more wisdom and peace in knowing that it is what God wants me to do. As Lysa puts it in her book, boundaries aren’t just a good idea but a God idea. I hope you can do the same. And run to get this book!

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23

Much love and blessings,

Kim