Stay The Course

This month my divorce was final. When the judgment came across my email like every other piece of mail, it was sad to think that something was ending and it took me a moment to process that, even though I certainly knew it was coming. I was so blessed to be with some of the many strong, faithful women who have been a solid rock for me to stand on this past year, and the ones that were not with me were reaching out in such a special way to show their support. I know God planned it that way. His plans are meticulous. Those are the ones we love to talk about, the plans that make you feel good. It’s the other plans he has, the ones that we don’t understand, the painful ones that we rarely want to give him the proper credit for in our life for obvious reasons.

Looking back on a relationship after it ends can be so confusing. You often feel you don’t even know the person. I guess this is true for all of us. We always think we know someone, but the truth of it is that you only know what they want you to know. Or you only know what you want to see. We all have many sides to our personalities; if we’re lucky, we can share them with the person we choose to spend the rest of our lives with. I mean, that’s the point. You love that person unconditionally, and they love you back the same, so why wouldn’t you be able to be who you are with them? Well, for many reasons, I’ve now discovered. But trust me, the truth always comes out because God makes sure of it, and how we view the truth is what can make or break us. I can say that in my lifetime, I didn’t always have faith in what God was doing in my life. I thought I knew better. I could control what was happening better than he could. And I tried. But here’s the thing: God doesn’t stop. When he no longer wants something in your life, he will continue to put painful situations in your path until you are strong enough to let go. This is how he leads you to where he wants you to be. I finally arrived at that place of letting go.

So now what? I’m here, God. I’m here wondering why I have been through so many years of betrayal. What is the purpose of all that pain? The pain, both physical and emotional, is unforgettable. You remember the moment, the place, the time, what you were thinking, how you were processing, and what you wanted to do and say to all involved. You remember why you made certain decisions and question if they were, in fact, the right ones to make. We can only assume that all of it is part of God’s plan, and I’m in that place in my life where I want to see that and accept it for what it is. It is so hard and it’s a journey that makes many U-turns along the way and back. But if you can get there, you will have more peace about where you’re going and hopefully allow your life to unfold in ways you could never dream. It all makes sense when you let go because you finally will enable Him to do his best work, even if that is sometimes painful. 

“For we are co-workers in God’s service; you are God’s field, God’s building.” 1 Corinthians 3:9

Betrayal is just something that happens in your life at some point. I mean, even Jesus faced betrayal. Whether it’s a spouse, relative, friend, co-worker, or enemy, it happens, and when it does, it can just bring you to your knees. When you are the victim of the betrayal, you can feel foolish. Those around you can then make you feel worse than the ones who betrayed you. I want you to know that the betrayer and sometimes their accomplices are the ones who have the problem. It’s never about you, what you didn’t see, or how you allowed them to betray you. It’s not about what you did or didn’t do or say. It’s not about them being confused about who they are or who they want to be. It’s not about them being unhappy with themselves or you. It is emphatically always about their selfish, self centered world. It is about their utter lack of conscience, self-esteem, and the vast ego that they carry around, thinking that the world revolves around them and everyone else is just living in it. Remember that one thing loud and clear if you remember nothing from this message. It is not about you! To the “Monday Morning Quarterbacks” who think “they knew more than you,” “could see something coming a mile away,” “would never tolerate such betrayal for one second,” or the infamous “I could’ve told you that,” please stop. I promise you that when you are the one that has been betrayed, there is plenty of self-loathing to go around, and no one needs to hear what you have to say except that you are here as a friend and will be here for whatever the need may be regardless of the decisions. I have been blessed in my life to have so many who have supported and trusted me through all the good and all the not so good. They were also part of God’s plan.

“The righteousness of the upright delivers them, but the unfaithful are trapped by evil desires,” Proverbs 11:6

We learn a lot about relationships when we go through betrayal, those that hurt us, and those we thought would stand by us. I remember the shock of my first divorce over the loss of friendships that I never thought in a million years I would ever lose. It’s funny, but people scatter, even those you thought you were closest to. I could speculate that it’s more about them, and what you are going through hits too close to home. But for many reasons, people scatter, some that make sense and some that never will. But you will be just fine without them. Again, it is never about you.

Betrayal will bring you closer to God if you allow it to; I know that’s why it happens. Finding comfort in this notion amid the actual betrayal can feel impossible. But once you feel God’s presence in the betrayal, your peace and comfort will solidify for you. Try to view it as a growth opportunity because God continually shapes and molds us to fit the calling he desires. That betrayal is moving you closer to that calling. God is always interested more in our character than in our comfort. Another name for this process is called “sanctification.” It’s the Lord’s continual process of making us holy and wholly set apart for Him. Sometimes this involves suffering. Nothing worth anything is ever easy, but it is certainly worth it. I am a long way off from where I hope to be, but I will continue to pray on it and work toward it each day that God gives me.  

“For I know the plans I have for you.” Declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”- Jeremiah 29:11.

I’m not sure what the big plan is, but one thing that has been clear to me is that he wants me to share my story. Maybe it’s sharing to heal me, or perhaps it’s helping someone else, but whatever it is, it’s happening. It has been humbling to have countless times when I’ve been emailed, privately messaged, and randomly walked up to by what would be a stranger, who quickly turns into a friend, all sharing their stories and how mine has made them feel like they are not alone. That is enough for me to know that all this pain is serving a higher calling, and so it makes it all worth it to me, and I would endure it all over again if it meant one person could be made to feel comforted. There are so many moments that God has provided for me along the way, and I know that I’m doing what I am supposed to be doing.

Remember, I’m always here for you, and there is a seat at my dining room table waiting with an espresso martini, a few tears, maybe some sarcasm, and lots of Jesus, and together with some prayers, we can figure it all out. I hope you won’t hesitate to reach out when you need to. Until then, see you next month.

“You are my strength; I sing praise to you; you, God, are my fortress, my God on whom I can rely.” Psalms 59: 17  

Much Love and Blessings,

Kim