Imperfect Mothers

I will go out on a limb and say that feeling like an imperfect mother is not new to most moms on most days. After being a mom for over 31 years, I can promise that it is definitely not for me. We carry the weight of perfection on our shoulders as if it were placed there when these children were placed in our womb. We take this role on as if it were the one role in our lives that everything else will measure. I had to learn to see myself as God sees me. After all, he knows me by name. He was the one who chose me to be the Mom to my boys. God is the creator of these precious souls who teach us about love, commitment, patience, understanding, sacrifice, and other beautiful things surrounding us. He decides how and when they will arrive. Yet, we foolishly think we are the teachers, but they teach us so much more than we could ever teach them. Of course, it’s his meticulous plan at work. God planned for me to bring all three of my boys into this life. They have brought me more joy, comfort, and wisdom throughout my days than you can imagine. They are why I continue this life, even amid the many trials, because God knew I would need to see and feel his blessings in this broken world, and I certainly have through all three of them.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful; I know that full well. Psalms 139: 14

At a young age, I knew I wanted to get married and be a mom. When I came home from the hospital with my first, I had this overwhelming gratitude for his healthy little body, and immediately following that, like a bolt of lightning, I felt such loving respect for my parents. I knew it would forever change how I looked at them again. For a moment, I could feel everything they had ever done and sacrificed for me, and it was overwhelming. As my first marriage ended, accepting that I had failed myself and this child, this gift from God, was painfully hard. Coming from a divorce, I had made more than just a marriage vow, but a promise that I would never follow that pattern. After all, our children don’t ask to be brought into a broken situation. He was so young and, on my worst days, would tell me to throw it up to God and let him handle it. He was always profound and innocent in his approach to life. I realized quickly that God undoubtedly placed him in my life more than he placed me in his. God specifically chose me to be his mother and designed me for such a role. After going through a divorce and dragging your little one with you, protecting them from that experience becomes your primary goal. I planned to ensure that I did not bring anyone into his life who would not be the right person for us and committed for the long haul.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as the prophet to the nations.” Jerimiah 1: 5.

I would eventually meet someone who I thought was the forever person for us. He was the person who wanted to take on my son and me as a package deal, and I believed everything was coming together as God would have it and that this person was everything he seemed to be. God blessed me with not one but two healthy, beautiful souls at once, twins who continued to change my life in ways that would forever put me on a different path. I wouldn’t know it then, but now I realize they were the more significant purpose of bringing us together. After a very long pregnancy and a delivery that would leave me grateful for life, I would bring home not one but two perfectly healthy children. I never felt worthy of them. I wondered why I was so blessed on most days. However, having them in my life taught me about my strength, my resilience, the endurance I was capable of, and the depth of love I had inside me. Their lives would further strengthen my faith and clarify my relationship with God. When filled with the Holy Spirit, we can live a life of God-minded love. The closer I became to God, the more I thrived and understood what he had chosen me for in my boys’ lives. Or better yet, what he had chosen them for in mine.

Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. Psalms 127:3

They are all adults now. I kept my second marriage together for as long as possible, and fortunately, the ending was after they were all grown. But was it the right thing to do? Was it better for my children? Was it good for me? People always ask me these questions, and truthfully, these answers don’t matter anymore because I stayed true to my vow of marriage, through better and worse until there was no choice. God chose the lessons I and they would learn. I wanted to protect my boys from the initial pain of divorce and a separated home that they would have to endure because of my inability to control what was happening in our lives. Behind the scenes, I prayed and did my best to prevent what was happening as much as someone could control. This path is not for everyone, nor would I ever recommend it. But it was my path. You must choose what is best for your situation, and as a mother, we all know what is best for our children and ourselves; no one should ever judge you based on those choices. Because of mine, they had a beautiful life with their family intact and stable. But also, because of my choices, they have had to endure the shock of losing what they were sure was our happy family, only to discover that it was not what it seemed. Life’s always a balance; our choices and God’s plans determine what side of that balancing act you will rest on. Although my children are strong, and they are emotionally mature, more so than even myself, I know God is giving them the strength they need to carry on as adults and that in their world, no matter the disappointments that life brings, they have what they need to do so. Giving them the gift of faith was one thing I did for them as a mother, and God gives me rest in the peace of knowing that it prepared them to live this next phase of thier lives with such faith. 

You dear children, are from God and have overcome them because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. 1 John 4: 4

Am I a perfect mother? No, quite the contrary. I’m about as Imperfect of a mother as they come. God had a plan for my life, including my boys, who would be at the center of everything, and even as I made poor decisions along the way, they would give me the wherewithal to keep going. They would teach me why moving forward is the only option. As mothers, we do our very best. While that best can look very different for each of us, it is our best, and that is all that matters. Our children will eventually understand what that means. What I want most is for them to know about Love. Love is at the core of everything in life. I want them to know that Love is not dishonorable, does not justify wrongs to enable selfishness, does not celebrate evil, requires truth, leads to honor, kindness, and compassion, and calls wrong things wrong and hurtful things hurtful. It is never unchristian to direct people to treat us in healthy ways. That is the biggest lesson I hope I taught them, even if I was on a winding, bumpy road to get there. I’m prayerful that they were better able to grasp that concept because they were adults as the marriage ended and not babies. In the meantime, we can pray that one day, when they are dealing with life on their own, whether it be on the day they bring their first baby home or any other day, they will have this lightening bolt of emotions and will know without a doubt, that, as their mother, I, along with God by my side, did everything imaginable to give them the best life that I could and it was done with Love, Hope, and Faith, the greatest being Love. The balancing act of their lives will now be up to them and the relationship they choose to have with God. 

On those days or seasons when you feel you are Imperfect in your role as a mother, reach down deep and know that God chose you, he knows you by name, and he wants you to be exactly where you are for all the lessons that are being learned and taught by not only you but also every single person and situation he has placed in your path. It’s the beauty of his Love for you.

Remember, I’m always here for you, and there is a seat at my dining room table waiting with an espresso martini, a few tears, maybe some sarcasm, and lots of Jesus, and together with some prayers, we can figure it all out. I hope you won’t hesitate to reach out when you need to. Until then, see you next month.

Much Love and Blessings,

Kim